ENL 122: Raphael’s Blunder: The Hope of Ascension and the Fall of Man

Jolene Patricia Brown

ENL 122: Milton

24 November 2009

Raphael’s Blunder:
The Hope of Ascension and the Fall of Man

Satan’s temptation of Eve begins long before his captivating her as a talking serpent in the garden in book IX. The dream sequence in which Satan first gives Eve the tantalizing fantasy of humans revered as gods puts the idea of ascension into Eve’s mind, but it is Raphael’s speech that allows that fantasy a hope for reality. Raphael is the first to mention the possibility that God might one day raise man up to join the angels in heaven, and by doing so, leaving room for an ambiguous interpretation of the promise. Adam and Eve are left to wonder whether it must be God only to elevate man higher in the heavenly hierarchy, or if the Tree of Knowledge might bypass that route altogether. Raphael is not explicit in his warning to Adam in the first place, but by sending Eve away, Raphael leaves opportunity for miscommunication—and assuredly ambiguity—of the warning between Adam and Eve. This ambiguity would spell disaster for the earthly pair giving Eve an excuse to taste of the fruit of knowledge, damning the pair to eternal strife.

The dream that Satan inspires in Eve in Book V crescendos just after he promises to Eve that, should she eat the fruit, she would “be henceforth among the gods / thyself a goddess, not to earth confined” (V.77-78). This dream was obviously disturbing to Eve, as she slept with “tresses discomposed, and glowing cheek, / As through unquiet rest” (V. 10-11) as well as her reaction to Adam as she wakes with “startled eye,” to embrace him (V. 26-27). When Raphael tells Adam of the possibility of man’s ascension to Heaven, it must have triggered an immediate memory for Eve when Adam passed the message to her. The similarity of Eve’s evil dream to Raphael’s musings on the potential of man is subtle:

…time may come when men
With angels may participate, and find
No inconvenient diet, nor too light fare:
And from the corporal nutriments perhaps
Your bodies may at last turn all to spirit,
Improved by tract of time, and winged ascend
Ethereal, as we, or may at choice
Here or in heav’nly paradises dwell… (V.493-500)

Perhaps Eve, Adam, or both, wondered that since they might ascend as angels, if there was a possibility they might also ascend as gods. After all, making the jump from man to angel would seem almost impossible from their perspective, especially considering Raphael had already put a distinction between the physical form of man and the physical form of angels. The substance from which each is made is vastly different, man of flesh and angels of ether; even the way man reasons is different from that of angels, man discursively and angels intuitively. With all these differences between man and angel it does not seem possible that one, namely man, would be able to make the switch into the other, and even the purpose for such a switch is odd. If God wanted man to be angels eventually, it would seem he would just create more angels instead of implementing a plan for eventual ascension. With all these unusual questions that Raphael leaves open in posing the opportunity for ascension it is no wonder Adam and Eve become tempted by a quicker rise through the ranks by choosing to eat the apple.

Eve is a curious creature: she wonders about the night and for whom the stars are for; she wonders about God, the hierarchy they are a part of, and her place within it. There is no reason why she would not also be inherently curious about the one forbidden tree in the garden, and though she may not have set out intending to eat of it, it can be argued that she was giving herself time away from her two guardians, God and Adam, to satiate her curious appetite. When Eve decides to venture out on her own to work she convinces Adam by arguing that fear in the garden is unfounded, and even if there were something to fear, God would protect them:

“If this be our condition, thus to dwell
In narrow circuit straitened by a foe…
How are we happy, still in fear of harm?
…Let us not then suspect our happy state
Left so imperfect by the Maker wise,
As not secure to single or combined.
Frail is our happiness, if this be so,
And Eden were no Eden thus exposed.” (IX. 322-323, 326, 337-341)

This is an important decision in the garden because it gives Satan the opportunity to exploit the curiosity in Eve’s mind on his own terms without interference from Adam. Eve’s argument seems well-founded: she would rather not “suspect” their happy state, for true happiness would not be experienced in fear. Her separation at this point, however, seems suspicious as their purpose in the garden is not solely for work, as argued by Adam, and certainly God would not have given Adam a partner in the garden only to mandate they work separate from one another. Her motive at this point is questionable, and one wonders if she was naturally curious about the tree, intending to investigate it whether or not the snake was there to tempt her. She does not realize that God is omniscient at this point either, for after she eats of the fruit she wonders if God might have missed her sin because “Heav’n is high, / high and remote to see from thence distinct / each thing on earth” (IX.811-813).

Eve’s dream turned to reality in book nine as the serpent, in place of Satan, reminds Eve to the hope of godhood. The serpent subtly hints to the promise of the dream: that a bite of the fruit will allow her ascension into a goddess-like status, as it moved the serpent to a man-like status. He begins to worship her as if she were already a goddess, which only heightens the excitement of ascension to come:

Fairest resemblance of they Maker fair,
Thee all things living gaze on, all things thine
By gift, and they celestial beauty adore
With ravishment beheld, there best beheld
Where universally admired; but here
In this enclosure while, these beasts among,
Beholders rude, and shallow to discern
Half what in thee is fair, one man except,
Who sees thee? (and what is one?) who shouldst be seen
A goddess among gods, adored and served
By angels numberless, thy daily train. (Book IX.538-548)

The language the serpent uses is one of seduction with words such as fairest, ravishment, beheld, adored, with which the snake pays tribute to her beauty claiming it is beyond the sphere she currently occupies. Her beauty is “celestial,” and belongs to Heaven, not on the earth where it can be enjoyed by only one man and “rude” animals. There is an echo within these lines as well from her original statement to Adam recalling her dream: “A goddess among gods” which is eerily similar to Book V.77-78 mentioned above. The echo here is important because Satan seems almost hypnotically seducing her by worshipping her, assuring her of beauty, and reminding her of the promise of ascension within her dream. The warnings from God, through Raphael, would only confuse her further, for she would remember that ascension might very well be possible even if it means disobeying the orders of God to attain it.

Raphael gave Adam and Eve the reason to believe that the hierarchy of heaven is fluid, and moving between realms is possible. Unfortunately, he is ambiguous enough in his explanation of this ascension that it leaves room to believe there might be other ways to ascend beyond those offered by God. He only exasperates the problem by excluding Eve from direct communication of the warning, exposing the earthly pair to the blunders of miscommunication between one another. Also, has she been present during this conversation, her curious nature might have forced Raphael to be more direct in his warnings, thereby subverting the possibility for ambiguity altogether. By allowing the curious Eve to imagine a world in which man and woman might attain heavenly bodies closer to God, Raphael gives her a reason to try to fruit to speed up that progress. If Adam and Eve had not thought it possible to change the status of the hierarchy they probably would have reconsidered eating the fruit, wondering if the snake was instead an evil enemy of God’s.

ENL 10A: Samson’s Captivity: A Reawakening of Purpose

Jolene Patricia Brown

ENL 10A: English Lit to 1700

19 November 2009

Samson’s Captivity: A Reawakening of Purpose

Milton explores the captivity of man in Samson Agonistes as more than the jail and slave labor that Samson must endure at the hands of the Philistines. Captivity is the fallen condition of man, Milton argues, as man is born with obstacles that must be overcome before he can reach his full potential as a servant of God, which turns out to be another form of captivity. The example of Samson, from the biblical book of Judges, allows Milton to write make this argument from the perspective of a man who was born with gifts bestowed on no other man by God. This is an important perspective from which to write because if a great man can be held captive by his own imperfection, then all men can. It is only through recognition of man’s potential failings that one can reach their full potential despite their post-lapsarian condition.

Samson is captive to the Philistines because he is chained, and forced to do slave labor. This is his most obvious form of captivity: forced physical labor. Samson is forced to slave for those people he was born to destroy, and by doing so is also forced to consider all his failings: “From restless thoughts, that like a deadly swarm / Of Hornets arm’d… / rush upon me thronging, and present / Times past, what once I was, and what am now” (19-22). For Samson, it is not the physical labor that is the worst part of the slavery. With nothing to do but work, he is forced to consider all his failings by his “restless thoughts” and he dissects his own fall from grace, which makes the physical work a form of “ease” from his thoughts (18). He comes to an important conclusion: that strength, though useful, is not immune to failure unless there is wisdom.

But what is strength without a double share
Of wisdom, vast, unwieldy, burdensome,
Proudly secure, yet liable to fall…
God, when he gave me strength, to shew withal
How slight the gift was, hung it in my hair. (53-55, 58-59)

Even his great gift of strength is a form of captivity for Samson because he did not have the wisdom to guard it properly. God endowed the strength with an inherent weakness by placing it in Samson’s hair thereby rendering Samson strong but not invincible. The captivity, therefore, is Samson’s false sense of security brought on by his lack of wisdom and overabundant strength which he does not realize until it is too late and he is physically captive to the Philistines: “Immeasurable strength they might behold / In me, of wisdom nothing more then mean; / This with the other should, at least, have paird, / These two proportion’d ill drove me transverse” (206-209).

The Philistines have also blinded him, depriving him of the light of the world and the light of God:

O loss of sight, of thee I most complain!
Blind among enemies, O worse then chains…
Light the prime work of God to me is extinct,
And all her various objects of delight
Annull’d, which might in part my grief have eas’d… (67-68, 70-72)

His blindness is a sensual captivity as Samson finds himself not only a slave to those he was intended to slay, but also without the guidance of his sight. It is sight that guides man in his daily life, without which one would wander hopelessly lost; without his sight Samson cannot make his way alone in the world. His blindness also implies he is without his God—another form of sight—as it is God who has, until now, guided Samson through his exploits against the Philistines. The sight that Samson has lost is multi-faceted: it is the physical sight in the world that allows him mobility and success in his battles against his enemies, but also the sight of God who has guided him in those battles. The loss of sight is a double-tragedy because he is deprived of a sensual pleasure and a spiritual pleasure, both of which are unbearable to Samson.

Before his captivity by the Philistines, Samson was captive to his passions as a man by allowing himself to be weakened by the love of a woman who is loyal to his enemy. Samson realizes he had fallen into service to woman, instead of in service to God when he states:

The base degree to which I am now fall’n,
these rags, this grinding, is not yet so base
As was my former servitude, ignoble,
Unmanly, ignominious, infamous,
True slavery, and that blindness worse then this,
That saw not how degenerately I serv’d. (414-419)

Both the physical captivity and the sensual captivity that he faces now in service to the Philistines is, he claims, better than his service to woman he paid before his fall. It is this captivity to woman that is another captivity that Samson is subject to, and another that he does not realize until he is already taken prisoner, betrayed by the woman he loved.

Though he ultimately takes responsibility for his own fall in admitting that “She [Delila] was not the prime cause” (234), he still laments his failing to identify her as a “specious Monster” and his “accomplisht snare” (230). The description of Delila as a “specious Monster” is especially telling, as the word specious, according to the OED, means “Having a fair or attractive appearance or character, calculated to make a favourable impression on the mind, but in reality devoid of the qualities apparently possessed” and “Of falsehood, bad qualities.” Samson is captive to her appearance, and his weakness for Delila echoes that of Adam’s for Eve in the garden of Paradise Lost, as both men allow women to have power over them. In Paradise Lost God was forced to remind Adam of the original hierarchy of subjection after the fall:

Was she [Eve] thy God, that her thou didst obey
Before his voice, or was she made they guide,
Superior, or but equal, that to her
Thou didst resign thy manhood, and the place
Wherein God set thee above her made of thee
And for thee, whose perfection far excelled
Hers in all real dignity: adorned
She was indeed, and lovely to attract
They love, not thy subjection… (X.145-153)

Like Adam, Samson’s perfection “far excelled” that of Delila’s, for she not only was an idolater according to the Hebrew people, but she was also a woman, and therefore inherently imperfect and subject to man. The Chorus recognizes this shortcoming of woman as well: “Is it for that such outward ornament / Was lavish’t on thir Sex, that inward gifts / Were left for haste unfinish’t, judgment scant, / Capacity not raise’d to apprehend / Or value what is best / In choice, but oftest to affect the wrong (1025-1030)? Further, like Adam, Samson became enchanted by a woman and allowed himself to become subject to her, overturning the hierarchy of power that should be God over man, man over woman.

Samson is also captive of God, and God’s plans. Samson was a gift to his parents, who could not conceive a child on their own, in order to free the Hebrew people from the Philistines. Samson’s responsibility is to his people and to his God and by allowing himself to be overthrown and taken prisoner by those he is supposed to slay, he has shirked his duties. This is his final captivity, and one that he must embrace and accept before death, though this captivity is one of service to God and not of to man, be it the Philistines or to women. Samson reawakens to his calling, slowly, through the visitations of his father, his wife, and a giant who refuses his challenge:

But come what will, my deadliest foe will prove
My speediest friend, by death to rid me hence,
The worst that he can give, to me the best.
Yet so it may fall out, because thir end
Is hate, not help to me, it may with mine
Draw thir own ruin who attempt the deed. (1262-1267)

At the end of the poem Samson accepts that to be a man in the fallen world is a life of captivity be it captivity to sin, women, slavery, senses or captivity in service to God. It is, however, within man’s power to decide what they will be captive to, and that is when Samson reaffirms his service to God, killing the Philistinian Lords:

Be of good courage, I begin to feel
Some rousing motions in me which dispose
To something extraordinary my thoughts…
If there be aught of presage in the mind,
This day will be remarkable in my life
By some great act, or of my days the last. (1381-1383, 1387-1389)

Captivity in this post-lapsarian world is can be chosen, and what man chooses to be captive to determines his end, be it in shame or in heroism. Samson, because he chose ultimately to be captive to God, became a hero and is remembered to this day for his feats in saving the Hebrew people. Though captivity can deprive man of his gifts, it can also give him strength, depending on the captivity he chooses.

I WANT TO GO TO THIS--who wants to go with me?

MACBETH!

Studio 301 Productions brings you this famed Shakespeare classic with a whole new twist. Stylistically as well as visually, this will be Macbeth like you've never seen it before. It will be at the UC Davis, College of Letters and Sciences (also known as The Death Star) Courtyard. That's right, outdoors! Intense fighting, love, and language. That's pretty much the essence of Macbeth, and directors Steph Hankinson and Gia Battista have revved all these elements up even more! This show will surely be an intense and highly fulfilling experience for all type of theater goers. Whether you've seen the play a million times, or never even heard of it, you're sure to find a wonderful and pleasant surprise with this production! The courtyard is located directly across the street from the ATMS at the Memorial Union. The weather will be cold, so we advise bringing some warm clothes, and perhaps a cushion to sit on. There is a possibility of rain so be prepared for that too. There will be hot drinks served as well! To assure yourself you got a spot, make a reservation at Macbethreservations09@gmail.com and when you do, be sure to include your name, your phone number and number of seats desired. These reservations guarantee you a spot but it is still first come first serve so be sure to arrive at least fifteen minutes early. Also, there is a deadline to reserve, make sure it is by 11:59 pm the night BEFORE your desired show date you wish to attend. SHOW DATES: Wednesday November 11 (preview) to Sunday November 15 Wednesday November 18 to Sunday November 22 all shows start at 8pm EXCEPT for Sunday shows which start at 6pm. Adults: $10 Students: $9 (donation minimum) We can't wait to see you all there!

ENL 10A: “Rebirth in Passion: The Fall of Othello and Iago”

Jolene Patricia Brown

ENL 10A

3 Nov 2009

Rebirth in Passion: The Fall of Othello and Iago

Othello is a tragedy of words. The sins committed by the various players are of ignorance, hardly deserving of the outcome of death and destruction at the end of the play, especially those of Othello and Desdemona. Their folly was not communicating with one another as a married couple should: not discussing the strange stories of Iago and thereby not discovering, before it was too late, that much of what they believed to be true was nothing more than hints of lies construed as truth. The echoing of Iago and Othello in act IV.i leads to both a convergence between Othello and Iago, and is a turning point in the play ultimately leading to Othello’s trance and the rebirth of both characters into passionate, revenge-induced rage.

The trance is the rebirth of both Othello and Iago within the play; it is what begins the fall of both characters and is a point of no return. Othello comes under Iago’s hypnosis and awakes to find himself in chaos, away from reason and love; embroiled in passion and hate. As a soldier, this is a dangerous place for Othello because his first instincts after the trance are for revenge on Desdemona and Cassio, which he acts on without rational consideration. His loyalties change after this convergence and rebirth as well, as Othello has performed an almost ritualistic ceremony of loyalty to Iago, comparable to a wedding, and Desdemona is no longer Othello’s “love” as it is now pledged to Iago. Iago is also reborn while Othello is in the trance: instead of only plotting against Othello, he begins to imagine revenge on Cassio by assisting Othello in his plans for Cassio’s death, and later the death of Roderigo. With all those out of his way, regardless of where that leaves him, Iago believes he will “win” and he also becomes overruled by his passionate desire for revenge.

Iago, it seems, did not originally plan to bring Othello down through Desdemona’s supposed infidelity. At the opening of the play his intentions are unclear and all the reader understands is that Iago hates Othello because Iago was passed over by Cassio for a lieutenant position. Originally, Iago’s plans only intended to embarrass, and hurt, Othello by denying him access to Desdemona. It is not until Brabantio warns Othello of Desdemona’s questionable decision to betray her own father that Iago realizes what might be the best way to hurt Othello: “Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see: / She has deceived her father, and may thee” (I.iii.290-291). These words from Desdemona’s father are ominous, especially when compared to Desdemona’s own words about her loyalty to her father:

My noble father,
I do perceive here a divided duty…
…you are the lord of duty;
I am hitherto your daughter. But here’s my husband;
And so much duty as my mother showed
To you, preferring you before her father,
So much I challenge that I my profess
Due to the Moor my lord. (I.iii.178-179, 182-187)

In her own words, Desdemona declares her loyalty divided between her father, to whom she owes for her “life and education,” and her husband. Though she ultimately chooses loyalty to Othello in marrying him without her father’s consent, by doing so she leaves her loyalty open to doubt and implies that her loyalty to Othello may ultimately waver. Iago most likely overhears Brabantio’s comment to Othello and it can be argued that it is this comment that sets off his plan of action to turn Othello against Desdemona through the use of suggestion. After all, if Desdemona had both loyalties to her father and to her love for Othello she would have attempted to work out the marriage through her father to show respect for both men. Instead, by pursuing it through subversive means, her loyalty comes into question and Iago will use this doubt against Othello throughout the rest of the play.

The idea planted in Othello’s mind by Brabantio festers in his subconscious as Iago subtly attempts to remind him of it. In act III.iii we witness the one of the first instances of echoing between Iago and Othello:

Othello: What dost thou think?

Iago: Think, my lord?

Othello: “Think, my lord?” By heaven, thou echo’st me

As if there were some monster in thy thought
Too hideous to be shown…
As if thou then hadst shut up in thy brain
Some horrible conceit. If thou dost love me,
Show me thy thought.

Iago: My lord, you know I love you. (III.iii.107-111, 116-119)

This conversation is where Iago finally breaches Othello’s secret fear and, taking advantage of it leads Othello to question Desdemona’s loyalty. At this point Iago is only leading Othello to doubt, and Othello supplies him with the ideas he needs only to affirm for him: Iago is hinting at a source of doubt and Othello is allowing himself to be manipulated. Though Othello is speaking to Iago in this passage when he wonders about the “monster” in Iago’s thought, it might be said that the “monster” is in fact Othello’s; he is really speaking to himself. Iago has successfully brought the “monster” of thought to the forefront of Othello’s mind and now he only needs to supply the evidence to drive Othello to chaos.

Throughout the story Iago uses subtle suggestion and echoes to bring Othello under his spell of lies. After Othello falls into the trance, Iago muses at his success: “Work on, / My medicine works! Thus credulous fools are caught, / and many worthy and chaste dames even thus, / All guiltless, meet reproach” (IV.i.45-46). Iago administers his words to Othello constantly throughout the play but never so directly that they might be called “lies.” Much of what he says hints at wrongdoing and infidelity, which only prompt Othello to consider them and at first Othello does not realize what is being implied. The idea is there, however, planted by Desdemona’s father, and Iago must only keep that thought at the forefront of Othello’s mind for him to become more serious about the implications of her behavior. Iago begins the play by plotting an attempt at “revenge” that he’s not even sure how he can carry out. By Act V, however, Iago has become a villain in the larger sense as he becomes enveloped in a depraved realization that regardless of who dies, he still wins: “Now, whether he [Roderigo] kill Cassio / Or Cassio him, or each do kill the other, / Every way makes my gain” (V.i.12-14). Othello’s trance is also a rebirth for Iago as he broadens the scope of his plans from revenge on only Othello to take revenge on Cassio and even Roderigo. His decision becomes one of multiple revenge and he is no longer only a minor villain and instead sees the death of all those who wronged him as a way of winning no matter what.

Othello’s trance is also his rebirth, but not one of innocence, as it strips him of his rational functions and places him in a world of chaos ruled by his passionate anger. When he awakens, he is under Iago’s control, whether he knows it or not. Iago already has what he wants at this point: the earlier convergence between Othello and Iago during act III.iv established Iago as Othello’s lieutenant:

[Othello]: …Come, go with me apart; I will withdraw
To furnish me with some swift means of death
For the fair devil. Now art thou my lieutenant.

Iago: I am your own forever.

Iago’s revenge would seem complete at this point except Iago continues what he has begun, consenting to kill Cassio as Othello swears he will kill Desdemona. Iago’s promotion is symbolic of Othello handing over control of his mind, and from that point forward Othello is only a shadow of his former self, and no longer has the beauty and dignity that he did before the trance.

The trance is the point of no return in the play as both Othello and Iago are no longer capable of ending the cycle of destruction that reader sees as the ultimate end. Unfortunately for Desdemona, she is an innocent victim of men who come under control of their passion for anger and jealousy. “Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?” Desdemona asks of Othello in IV.ii.71 and indeed this question can be asked by all the players. An ignorant sin is one that the sinner does not realize they have committed; it is not innocent, but there is a sort of innocence involved in ignorance. Even Iago, it can be argued, committed ignorant sins for he could not have predicted the outcome of Othello becoming a passionate murder, or that Iago himself would turn on all those around him. Each step in the play escalates the players to a realm of hate, and each of them are ignorant of the outcome. The convergence, however, is a potential stopping point that Iago refuses to allow, and by the time Othello falls into a trance it is too late to stop.

ENL 122: “Adam, Eve and Satan: Disaster in the Garden”

Jolene Patricia Brown

ENL 122

3 Nov 2009

Adam, Eve and Satan: Disaster in the Garden

Adam and Eve are of one flesh; they share every part of their being and existence. By sharing one flesh they are not only of one person; they are one person. It is the ultimate partnership: physical, emotional and spiritual. They are born into a hierarchy that is established from the moment of their conception: there are no questions of authority as God is ruler over Adam; Adam over Eve; both over the animals and plants within the garden. As rational creatures it should be easy for both Adam and Eve to fit themselves into this preformed world, and it leaves no room for them to conceive of anything different. This eliminates the concern for an overthrow of the heavens by humans, since they cannot conceive of anything outside of the hierarchy. These are all strengths in their relationship that should be a recipe for success, however it is exactly these traits that give Satan an edge is his deception and temptation of Adam and Eve in the garden, leading them to make the sacrifice that Satan himself made.

Being created of “one flesh” they are equal and God did create Eve with a capacity for rationality equal to Adam. This is made clear by her tendency to ask good questions, and she takes what she learns very seriously. This equality among the pair makes it clear that by asking her to behave as a subject to Adam seems counter-intuitive. Her curiosity about night, for instance, is a great example of her tendency to think even at a grander scope than even Adam seems capable:

Of grateful evening mild, then silent night
With this her solemn bird and this fair moon,
And these the gems of heav’n, her starry train…
But wherefore all night long shine these, for whom
This glorious sight, when sleep hath shut all eyes? (VI. 647-649, 657-658)

Adam gives her an answer of nothing more than to say that to watch the beauty of the nighttime would take away from worship of God: “These then, though unbeheld in deep of night, / Shine not in vain, nor think, though men were none, / That heav’n would want spectators, God want praise” (IV. 674-676). This answer seems too simple for a question as thought provoking as Eve’s, for it does seem strange that God would spend time creating a beautiful nighttime world only to have his most prized creatures not take advantage of it.

The unity of Adam and Eve is what the narrator wants us to reflect on when he makes his hail on “wedded love” as a “mysterious law, true source / Of human offspring, sole propriety / In paradise of all things common else” (IV. 750-752). Any wedded pair should share a bond between them that is brought forth in a physical form by procreation. Marriage is, to the narrator, a unity on every level between two people that culminates in the creation of children. Satan interferes with the ultimate plan for Adam and Eve to create children within the garden. The interjection of Satan into this plan poses him as a threat to the unity between man and God, but also between man and women as the symbol of their unity—children—never come to fruition.

Neither Adam nor Eve understands the concept of evil. Being confined to a state of innocence allows them a freedom that no other human will have after them: ignorance without fear of sin. Because they do not know evil they will never commit, accidentally or otherwise, a sin against God because, in their present situation, they have no idea what a sin is or how to commit it. This innocence and ignorance of sin is implied by what is their sign of obedience:

…God has pronounced it death to taste that Tree,
The only sign of our obedience left…
Then let us not think hard
One easy prohibition, who enjoy
Free leave so large to all things else, and choice
Unlimited of manifold delights… (IV. 427-428, 432-435)

It is only through the outside influence of Satan that they are led into a temptation to sin and eat of the tree of knowledge which frees them of their innocence and ignorance. Indeed it is innocence which makes them vulnerable since they cannot conceive of evil and they cannot conceive of hypocrisy or trickery. Despite Raphael’s warnings to be on their guard against Satan, even that idea is beyond their scope of understanding. They have no concept of guile, mistrust, lies or ill-intentions. Asking them to be on guard against that which they cannot understand is like asking a child to know what is best for them: it cannot, in the best interests of the child, be done.

Satan’s primary motivation throughout these first books is jealousy. It is clear that he is jealous of the Son who was promoted above him by God, but his jealousy is rekindled when he realizes the love and joy that is shared by God and man in the garden.

Sight hateful, sight tormenting! thus these two
Imparadised in one another’s arms
The happier Eden, shall enjoy their fill
Of bliss on bliss, while I to hell am thrust,
Where neither joy nor love, but fierce desire,
Among our other torments not the least,
Still unfulfilled with pain of longing pines. (IV.505-511)

Satan sacrificed all that he loved for nothing more than a shot at a throne he would never achieve. In seeing Adam and Eve in their nuptial bliss he must be reminded of the joys in heaven of which he is now deprived because of nothing more than his own pride and jealousy. It is his jealousy, first of God and then of Adam and Eve, that continually drives him to make the wrong decisions: first to turn away from God and ultimately be hurled from heaven, and then to tempt Adam and Eve into sin. Both of his decisions were because he was jealous of what was not his, power in heaven and love on earth.

Satan deprives man of the one thing that would have saved him from temptation: unity, both between God and man, as well as between man and woman. Satan recognizes that the hierarchy of God/man/woman has changed as Adam declares Eve his “best image” and “dearer half” (V.95) and it is this weakness alone that allows Satan the opportunity to drive each pair apart. Satan does not want God, Adam or Eve to have what he has been deprived of: true love. Since God has already defeated Satan, the best Satan can do is to take away God’s prized new creation, and ruin the unity between the happy pair.

Adam and Eve had everything they needed to be happy in the garden, just as Satan had everything he needed to be happy in Heaven. Adam and Eve were innocent and ignorant of sin, and only had to show obedience through refraining from eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge. The hierarchy of power only needed to be maintained between God and man/man and woman in order for authority to have stopped the tragedy to come. They were also given warnings from heaven about Satan, and a reminder that with knowledge, comes death. This, however, did nothing to stop Satan from deciding his pride and jealousy should bring ruin to Adam and Eve. Adam, by putting Eve above himself, changed the dynamic of power in the garden; Satan introduced sin and jealousy into the garden by showing Eve the dream of man as gods; suddenly ignorance is something to fear. All of these combine to create a perfect opportunity for man to fall from God, and Satan to take his revenge upon God, by denying him man as a perfect creation on earth.

ENL 122: "Words to Remind you: Milton's Subtle Reminders"

Jolene Patricia Brown

Dr. R. Levin

ENL 122

15 Oct 2009

Words to Remind You: Milton’s Subtle Reminders

Beyond this flood a frozen continent

Lies dark and wild, beat with perpetual storms

Of whirlwind and dire hail, which on firm land

Thaws not, but gathers heap, and ruin seems (590)

Of ancient pile; all else deep snow and ice,

A gulf profound as that Serbonian bog

Betwixt Damiata and Mount Casius old,

Where armies whole have sunk: the parching air

Burns frore, and cold performs th’ effect of fire. (595)

Thither by harpy-footed Furies haled,

At certain revolutions all the damned

Are brought: and feel by turns the bitter change

Of fierce extremes, extremes by change more fierce,

From beds of raging fire to starve in ice (600)

Their soft ethereal warmth, and there to pine

Immovable, infixed, and frozen round,

Periods of time, thence hurried back to fire.

(Page 49, second edition.)

Words Defined:

Fierce (line 599): Fierce is a word that has two very different meanings according to the OED. In one instance it can mean a “formidably violent and intractable temper, like a wild beast” but it can also mean “high spirited, brave, and valiant.” These two definitions ring together in line 599, as the word is not mentioned once, but twice in the same line. Milton gives Satan all of these qualities: he rises against his creator violently, but he is also a hero among his men for his valor and heroism in battle. Hell, it seems, takes on the same qualities of its king in that the extremes of hell are such that those who are damned must suffer physically under the angry torment but also remember that which they lost. In hell one can have no valor, so the memory of such a grand emotion only compounds the terror and pain of existence in the place furthest away from God.

Extremes (line 599): An extreme is the “farthest from the center” and if two things are in extremes they are “removed as far as possible from each other in position, nature, or condition” (OED). This word in its line context reinforces the effect of the word fierce (above) creating a juxtaposition of God/Satan and Heaven/Hell. This reinforcement, especially as this word is also repeated in this line, contrasts one with the other setting them as opposites in the scope of the universe, and the reader is forced to see the good in heaven and the evil in hell. By doing this Milton has given no room to doubt that hell is, in every way, the opposite of heaven, and Satan the opposite of God. There is no confusing the two, despite the charisma and beauty that Milton might endow Satan and hell with, and the reader must look past the deception to realize that in being in opposition with heaven, there is nothing worthy or virtuous in hell.

Starve (line 600): This word was particularly interesting as it, surprisingly, is used specifically to describe a “pestilence” or “a pestilent being (esp. applied to the devil).” It is a usage that is described as rare in the OED but Milton, as well-educated as he was, probably had knowledge of the word in this form. The context in which it is used in the poem refers to being “brought gradually nearer to death” as well as “to suffer extreme cold.” Each definition ties in deeply to other words and ideas presented in the passage: Satan as a pestilent devil, the damned gradually dying of their suffering in hell, as well as the cold heat that is described. It is obvious that Milton used this word very deliberately in this passage, as the word has many definitions and meanings that are relevant to his vision of hell. It is also a word that raises fear in the reader since to starve is a terrible, prolonged way to die, so it would be appropriately used if Milton wants to make clear the torments that are waiting for sinners in hell.

Pine (line 601): Continuing the succession of words that reinforce one another in Milton’s description of hell, the word pine is, according to the OED a “punishment, torment, torture, suffering or loss…as punishment” especially in hell or purgatory, but it is also “suffering caused by hunger or lack of food” and the OED even calls it a “starvation.” The word gives strength to the word starve in the line immediately before it, but it also conjures the ideas of punishment for sins committed against God. It is not only the sinners who are suffering starvation, it is the fallen angels as well, who through their rebellion are forever punished, banished from heaven. Both definitions are integral in connecting the mortal sinners from the immortal; both sinners will suffer for their choices infinitely through the torment of hell.

Immovable (line 602): This word stood out among the other three descriptors in this line (infixed, frozen) because it implies the inability of the situation in hell to change. This damning of the sinners and the angels and their suffering is not changeable by just any being. In placing this word right after the word pine, Milton continues to make his case for the uncomfortable, unceasing torments that await sinners against God. Neither angel nor mortal will be able to change his own circumstances; it is only through the asking of forgiveness that hell will cease to exist and since Satan will not relent on his position, hell will continue, immovable, until the end of days.

Stylistic Devices:

Imagery (lines 587-590): Milton opens this passage in a surprising way: hell is not a burning, fiery place, but instead a place that is frozen, dark, wild and stormy (586). This image is different from what we now imagine hell to be with heat, fire and burning lakes. This contrast is important to note because hell is the furthest place from God and this implies that God is a source of heat. A frozen wasteland would be barren of life, uninhabitable by plants, animals and, of course, man. The imagery that he is presenting is one without life, pleasure, comfort and nothing like the warm paradise of heaven and that of the newly created earth.

Simile (line 592): The simile being used in this line compares the deep snow and ice of hell to that of a “Serbonian bog.” The deepness of that bog is one “Where armies whole have sunk” (596) and is an image of helplessness. The comparison that Milton is drawing is one of despair since the sinners cannot help themselves and, like a bog or quicksand, they only fall further into the depths. Hell is cold, but it also renders sinners helpless, and the more they fight the depths of hell the deeper they will sink into despair.

Paradox (line 595): I had a hard time deciding whether line 595 was a metaphor or if it was a paradox. I have decided that it is a paradox because Milton takes two opposing sensations and uses the comparison to enhance the meaning of the ideas. The comparison being made is between cold and fire: “cold performs th’ effect of fire” is an overwhelmingly simple paradox where the reader immediately can imagine the burning cold as much as they can imagine the cold fire. Those two things are contradictions, therefore paradoxical, signifying the true power of God over this hell. A true paradox cannot be solved by imperfect reasoning. God, however, is perfect so his reasoning would be perfectly capable of imagining and creating a world of paradox that would harbor both cold heat and hot cold. I believe Milton is using the idea of a paradoxical hell to indirectly show the power of God in comparison to the weakness of Satan.

Alliteration (lines 595-603): There is an immense number of alliterative words that occur in lines 595-603, especially words that begin with the letter f. It begins with the two words in opposition: frore and fire in line 595, and the word fire is repeated three times in the following lines. Other words include footed, Furies, feel, fierce (mentioned twice), From, soft, infixed, and frozen bringing the total of f-sounding words to eleven, in a very short nine lines. This is significant to the tone of the poem because Milton has just described hell as a cold, inhospitable place yet they are on a lake of fire. It seems Milton wants to remind the reader of the burning of hell with the series of f-sounds that do sound similar to burning when pronounced by the reader. The reminder is subtle but effective and the use of this recurring f also reminds us of the paradox of hell: the cold heat torture that awaits those who sin against God.

Repetition (lines 595-603): There are three words that get repeated in these lines: fierce, extremes, and fire. These words are significant first because of the words themselves. They are each words without a trace of ambiguity, as they conjure of definite images within the mind of the reader. They are words with which one might describe hell, as indeed Milton does here, but they are also words of passion that would be used in both good and bad contexts. The repetition is what makes the words all the more interesting. The words fierce and extremes are each used twice and in the same line (599). As in the definitions state above, I believe that Milton wanted us to ponder these words carefully and note the different ideas that are encompassed by those words. The word fire is used three times, reinforcing the fiery image of hell, and the repetition acts as a reminder, between the descriptions of ice, that hell is a wasteland of paradox, evil, and curses which one should avoid at all costs.

ENL 10A: "Light of Hidden Fire": Love and Change in Marlowe's Hero and Leander"

Jolene Patricia Brown
Dr. R. Levin
ENL 10A
13 Oct 2009

“Light of Hidden Fire”: Love and Change in Marlowe’s Hero and Leander

Home when he came, he seemed not to be there,
But like exilѐd air thrust from his sphere,
Set in a foreign place, and straight from thence,
Alcides-like, by mighty violence
He would have chased away the swelling main (605)
That him from her unjustly did detain.
Like as the sun in a diameter
Fires and inflames objects removѐd far,
And heateth kindly, shining lat’rally,
So beauty sweetly quickens when ‘tis nigh, (610)
But being separated and removed,
Burns where it cherished, murders where it loved.
Therefore, even as an index to a book,
So to his mind was young Leander’s look.
O none but gods have power their love to hide: (615)
Affection by the count’nance is descried.
The light of hidden fire itself discovers,
And love that is concealed betrays poor lovers.
(Page 1017)

Words Defined:
Sphere (line 602): A sphere is enclosed: it is a bubble, protective, perfect in its shape and circumference. Leander, having a beautiful outward appearance would take his beauty with him where he went. The OED defines sphere as “the apparent outward limit of space” which does not imply an end so the limits are apparent, but not definite. In using the word sphere, Marlowe is endowing Leander with seemingly limitless potential to love, as Leander—it is clear—is a lover. The OED also lists sphere as “a province or domain in which one’s activities or faculties find scope or exercise”: a sphere has unlimited potential within contained boundaries that are perfectly constructed. Leander’s sphere is expanding to include Hero and as he gains experience his sphere will come to include his maturation in his role as a lover. Leander was an individual, a lover without his beloved, until Hero was thrust into his sphere allowing him to pursue his full potential. The rest of the line “like exilѐd air thrust” implies this change in his sphere; the change is welcome and will expand his bubble expanding the limits of Leander’s potential.

Foreign (line 603): This word is in the line following sphere which only emphasizes the unification of two worlds. The OED defines foreign in one way as “proceeding from other persons or things” but also as “out of doors; outside.” Here’s sphere was foreign to Leander’s because she is outside of him, but the changes that are taking place in Leander’s sphere are a direct result of his meeting Hero. Hero is the trigger of foreign changes in the sphere: she precedes the emotions and desires that he is now facing from outside of his own sphere. It might also be cupid, whose golden arrows so effectively pricked both lovers, who is the outside force, while Hero is the one that proceeds. Both interpretations seem equally as valid; each introduces a foreign emotion to Leander, changing the balance within his sphere.

Swelling (line 605): Swelling is an interesting word because it has several meanings in this context. It is referring to a “swelling main” in this line; main, according to the OED is a form of “power.” Swelling, according to the OED, is “the rising of emotion” but it is also “an abnormal or morbid enlargement in or upon any part or member.” Swelling refers to the new growing emotions of Leander, but also has sexual connotations as he learns to manage his sexual desire that is enflamed by his sexual arousal. The power to which swelling refers could be either his sexual power to manipulate Hero into loving him or to his power as a lover that is growing with each experience he has.

Diameter (line 607): In using diameter here, Marlowe is reminding us of the sphere around Leander, but also using it to show opposition. According to the OED one interesting definition of diameter is “the diametrical or direct opposite; contrariety, contradiction.” This is especially enlightening as it immediately conjures up images of the opposite of the sun: the moon, the night, the darkness; all of these are realms of the lovers but also imply a darker side to their love. The sun in this passage is described as a “kindly” head, and the opposition to that would be a precarious place for lovers. In the first definition, the one which the modern reader is probably more familiar, the imagery of the sun as a circle in the sky and the diameter is the measurement across the circle. The second definition is far more enlightening: it draws opposition to a number of things in the poem such as the dark foreboding that is hinted at throughout the poem, but also as an opposition to beauty as stated in line 610 when Marlow writes “So beauty sweetly quicken when ‘tis nigh” taking the reader from the heat of the sun to the sweet comfort of beauty of a lover.

Affection (line 616): Affection is, according to the OED,“feeling (as opposed to reason)…a powerful or controlling emotion, as passion, lust” but it is also described as a physical “state, condition, or relation which is temporary or not essential to the object.” Affection has some ominous undertones implying the potential for unhappiness in the union of these two lovers. Affection is counter to reason and logic, limiting the rational decisions that man should make in situations involving love. It is also a physical state of discomfort, on that is temporary, even fleeting and the reader wonders if the love Leander feels is also temporary, one only driven by his physical desires. Leander might love Hero, feel affection for her in the most literal sense, but the other implication is that love is a temporary, physical ailment that will subside in time.

Stylistic Devices:
Simile (line 602): Marlowe compares directly Leander to “exilѐd air” and in doing so gives the reader an interesting juxtaposition to ponder. One wonders if air, an unseen, uncontrollable (at least during Marlowe’s time) substance can be truly “exilѐd” from anywhere, including the sphere that Marlowe claims. He may instead be referring to the force with which air can have as it escapes from an enclosure, or the force of the wind; in this context air can have a power to set one off-balance, and destroy objects. Further, the air is “thrust” from the sphere into exile which is a violent image, adding to the violence of the simile and giving depth to the invocation of the Herculean allusion that is presented in line 604.

Allusion (line 604): In line 604 Marlowe makes an allusion to Hercules in an indirect way by describing the exiled air as “Alcides-like.” In crafting the image of the exiled air, by using this direct comparison of Hercules to show the force of the exile it gives strength to the image and to the following description of “mighty violence.” Hercules is a masculine figure of power and strength, which is in contrast to how Leander is portrayed earlier in the poem being outwardly the lover who is confused as a woman. In giving Leander these power Herculean feelings, Marlowe attributes a masculinity to him that is both sexual, emotional and physical. By drawing this comparison the reader is privy to Leander’s change from boy to man.

Alliteration (line 608): Line 608, “Fires and inflames objects removѐd far” is beautiful because the sounds of the “f” in the words “fires,” “inflames,” and “far” sounds like a burning fire when the words are said out loud. This emphasizes the sensation of the “heateth kindly” in the next line for the reader. The sound of the alliterative “f” throughout the line adds a soundtrack to the image of a comfortable fire that burns to heat those around it. In using these sounds to add emphasis to the imagery of the hot sun and the sweet beauty, Marlowe is allowing the reader into the world of Leander’s love for Hero, showing the beautiful characteristics of it, despite some of the ominous signs were are seeing in other places throughout the poem.

Imagery (line 613): The image that is presented to the reader by the comparison of Leander’s mind to that of a book’s index is one particularly interesting and confusing. I have decided to call this short sentence “imagery” because I believe that Marlowe’s purpose was to draw a visual comparison between the index and the mind, however he does not seem to make a full commitment to the use of the simile. Instead he uses the words “even as” to introduce his index and in the next line turns Leander’s look inward to his mind. The image being presented is of an index to a book—a useful tool in locating information within the pages of a book—compared with Leander’s “look” into his mind. By using the index of the book Marlowe implies that the information that Leander seeks, perhaps moral guidance or romantic inspirations, will be found within his mind if he only searches what he already knows. Leander knows how to be a lover and will be successful in his wooing of Hero but only if he turns his questions inward and looks for those things he already knows and uses them to his advantage.

Personification (line 618): Love in line 618 is personified and done in such a way to impose an ominous foreshadowing on the love of Leander and Hero. Love is something that if concealed will betray those who conceal it. Betrayal, especially in terms of love, is significant because it undermines the trust that must develop between lovers and if love betrays the lovers then the lovers are left without their bonds.

ENL 178: “Growing Up”

Jolene P. Brown
Prof. S. Magagnini
ENL 178: Crossing Thresholds
18 August 2009

Growing Up

    The bench was cold, smooth, and hard.  The beige velour blanket I was sitting on kept sliding underneath me with each shift of my body, no matter how slight, and did not keep the cold from seeping into my skin.  A metal toilet, exactly like I had seen in movies but surprisingly clean, was straight across and seemed to stare me down from across the cell.  I knew I would have to go eventually—I could feel the my bladder filling up, or perhaps I was just paranoid—and there was only a short wall, three feet tall or so, as a barrier between what needed to be done and the huge safety glass window where I could see the sheriff officer completing their nightly paperwork outside.  The thought made me sick again, as I threw myself towards the toilet expelling only a foamy greenish bile that had more to do with my anxiety than any of the drinks I’d had prior to that moment.  I was in jail, but this still was not the worst day of my life.  I remembered a promise and tears came to my eyes as I returned to the bench: would I be able to keep that promise I had made so long ago?  At that moment I was so afraid but determined not to let one mistake ruin everything I had done so far.
May 28, 2003.

My twenty-second birthday.  I was excited because my birthday is my favorite “holiday,” as I like to tell my friends as a joke.  I took the day off and made plans with my two best friends to go out drinking, partly to make up for the terrible twenty-first birthday I had the year before.  All my friends were busy, and my boyfriend at the time had forgotten, so my ‘big’ 21st was nothing but a big disappointment.  My two closest friends, Rose and Noelle, had promised that 22 would be so much better—we knew where to get the best drinks for cheap, the best dancing, and karaoke more now than the year before.  That and we were all now above legal drinking age so we could enjoy more of the fun together since the year before that was not the case.
I was sitting on my couch in the one-bedroom apartment that Rose and I shared.  It was originally my apartment but when Rose was kicked out of her sister’s house for one too many parties, Rose moved in with me and we were in the process of looking for a larger two bedroom apartment.  Rose was at work and I was planning out the night in my head while watching reruns of daytime television.  My phone rings: Mom.  I don’t want to pick it up—“what on earth could she want now? It’s my birthday…she can’t chew me out for something on my damned birthday!”  I roll my eyes and pick up the phone.

“Hi, mom.”
“Honey, grandma Brown is sick.”
“What? What do you mean sick?” panic sets in to my voice.
“Apparently it’s a tumor. In her brain.  She’s having an operation at the end of the week.  We just wanted you to know, ok?”
“Uh…. ok mom. Should I come over?”
“No, there’s nothing you can do now. Just come over later this week.  Dad will need you; he misses you and I know grandpa will love to have you around more. Just come by, ok?”
“Alright, mom.”
“Happy birthday, honey. We have a card if you come by.”
“Thanks, mom.”

    I end the call and drop my phone on the floor. “What a birthday, already” I think to myself trying to keep myself from crying.  Grandma cannot die; but what if she did? Right after my birthday? I try not to imagine the possibility but I continue to let the thought pervade my mind.  Not knowing what else to do I gather up my bag and head over to another friend’s house to hang out until Rose and Noelle get off of work.  No sense is letting such negative thoughts upset me on my birthday.  That night, like usual, I went out with my friends and drank until I blacked out.  Another day, another round of drinks, another shift at my awful job: just another day.
   

Three weeks later grandma has pulled through the surgery better than any of us had expected.  When she went under the knife the doctor told us that we will be lucky if she can eat on her own, let alone walk, talk, or even remember her name.  We brace ourselves for the worse but within three weeks grandma has made an almost full recovery.  Not only is she eating on her own but she was talking in complete sentences, getting up and walking (with assistance of course) to go to the bathroom, and she had no memory loss whatsoever.  Relief sets in and everyone is overjoyed, including my grandfather even though he had to be sent home because of pneumonia.  He promised my grandmother as soon as he felt better he would be back to see her at the hospital until they let her go. The only evidence of my grandmother’s brush with death was her shaved head covered by a mass of white bandages, changed every few hours by the charge nurse.  “Oh, what will I do about my hair?” my grandmother asked one day while in the hospital.  “Perhaps we can get you a wig, mom, it’ll be like it was never gone and in the meantime the wig will cover everything up!” one of my aunts attempted to make her feel better.
   

As grandma got better and returned home, grandpa got worse.  Ten weeks after her brain surgery grandma was driving again, though her doctor was not pleased about it, taking grandpa to see a doctor after doctor to determine why he was not getting better.  What had started out as a pneumonia diagnosis in early June quickly turned into “we need to run more tests” and grandpa’s health was fading.  My car broke down at the end of July and I was afraid to tell my parents that I did not have the money to pay for the repairs.  My dad was a wreck, though he never once cried it was obvious that he was upset, and my mom cried at me every time I called.  Rose was kind enough to let me use her car for just about all my errands, so we were taking each other work and the other would use the car for the rest of the day to do what they needed to do.  My mom would call occasionally to update me on the status of my grandfather but I shrugged it off.  “Nothing can kill grandpa,” I told a girl at work one day “he’s the strongest man I know.”

September 15, 2003.
 

  “Lung cancer.”

The words hung in the air as everyone stood silently at the doctor’s words.  We were in the waiting room at Mercy San Juan hospital waiting to find out the verdict of the “exploratory” surgery.  My grandma’s hair had thinned substantially because of her brain surgery but she was not wearing the wig: it made her head itch.  She, instead, kept it tightly trimmed, almost military style, since it had started to grow back.

“Lung cancer? You’re sure?” my dad asked the doctor; it was obvious in his tone he knew the answer already. The doctor only nodded his reply as my grandma did her best to hide her eyes filling with tears.  Her lips became a straight line across her face as she asked the doctor “so what do you think we can do about it?”

    “I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it; the cancer started out in his lungs and is now spread into his heart, kidneys and bones. There’s not much we can do except make him comfortable.”  The doctor’s words spilled out around us as disbelief turned to reality.  I felt a disconnect more than I had ever felt before.  Grandpa, a man I had never seen cry, a man I never saw sick (even when he had to do chemo for prostate cancer 10 years earlier), a man who held our family together was dying and there was nothing we could do about it.  Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach and told my parents I wanted to go home.  My dad looked disappointed but hugged me and I left.  I remember thinking on the way home: “It won’t happen. Not to him.  He’ll pull through it and we’ll all laugh about this.”  I have never been more wrong.

    Sitting in the jail cell I remember doubting the proof of modern medicine.  It seemed so simple to me that grandpa would just will himself over the cancer and it would just disappear.  All my youthful naiveté was captured in my mind in that one internal conversation, convincing myself that miracles can and do happen, and one of my very own was about to occur in grandpa overcoming this horrible disease.  Never mind his lifelong tobacco pipe habit—a smell I still attribute to him to this day—that was only circumstantial evidence as far as I was concerned.  I sat staring at that dreaded metal toilet taking small solace in that youthful ignorance, wishing that it would return in that moment and I might forget where I was, what I had done, and escape the punishment I knew was to come.  I knew what it meant then, as I did looking back on that memory, to live in blissful ignorance: not accepting evidence, ignoring facts and building a world of lies to protect myself from the awful pain to come.

    After the diagnosis the next few weeks are a blur in my mind. I remember phone call after phone call as the news spread its way through the family, much like the cancer spread its way through my grandfather’s body.  I received half a dozen phone calls a day from cousins, aunts, uncles, distant relatives and close family friends.  I finally stopped picking up my phone, tired of hearing the same depressing story each time, and turned more and more to drinking as a way to cope.  Rose was worried, even mentioning to me that I should lay off the bottle for awhile.
    “It’s not good to drink when you’re depressed; I know I read that somewhere” she said casually while flipping through a magazine one night.
    “Yeah, I’m sure it’s not.  All the more reason I should do it, right?” I laughed at my own joke as she feigned a smile.
    “I guess…” she flipped through another page of the magazine.
    “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”
I grabbed the bottle of rum and went to the bedroom, the door accidently slamming behind me.

October 5, 2003, 4:30 pm.
    Though it was expected, the news was sudden.  On my way home from work, driving my roommate’s car, my dad called.  My dad never called.
“Honey, where are you?”
“On my way home from work, why?”
“Pull over.”
“Dad, what? Just tell me, I’m almost home.” I knew what he was going to say before the words even left his mouth.
“Grandpa died. About ten minutes ago.”
“Are you sure?” I didn’t know what else to say.
“Yes, honey, he died.  I have to go now, arrangements have to be made. Please come by tonight, ok?” I could hear my dad choking back tears.  He doesn’t want to cry in front of me; not even on the phone.

I don’t say anything else and my dad ends the call. I pull into the median in front of a Raley’s supermarket.  I sit there for a moment not knowing what to do.  I take out my phone wanting to call someone flipping through my entire phone book.  I don’t want to talk to anyone: I just want my grandpa back.  I burst into tears in the car in the middle of road in front of Raley’s.  I cry for ten minutes before I realize there is a car behind me honking.  I manage to pull myself together enough to make the rest of the five minute drive back to my apartment, unlock the door and throw myself on the floor just inside.  I cry for over an hour until my roommate calls me to pick her up from work.  When she realizes what has happened she arranges a ride from a co-worker.  She comes inside and hugs me on the floor.
Five days before he died there was a huge family gathering at my grandparent’s house.  Relatives came in from as far away as Missouri to see my grandpa for what we knew would be the last time.  His once huge frame had dwindled down to nothing more than bones covered by skin, flaps of which hung under his arms and on his chin.  His bright grey blue eyes were dull now, and he would wince in pain each time he coughed.  There were more than thirty people packed in to their tiny house, and my aunts tried to get people to leave and return later but my grandfather would not hear of it.  “I love to have the family around again, it’s like old times!”  He laughed, would cough and wince, though he would try not to show it.  He took each of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren in his arms telling each how much he loved them and not to cry.  It was my turn as I was one of the furthest away and my grandfather was asking for me.  I went up to him and he grabbed my hand pulling me close.  He put his arms around me and told me how much he loved me.  But then, whispering, he said
“Jolene, you’re my smartest grandchild. I want you to go to school.  I want you to do well for yourself and I know you will.  I have so much faith in you.  I love you.  Don’t forget that, and please go back to school.”  He had tears in his eyes as he said this and I tried not to cry.
“I’ll go back, grandpa, I promise I will.”

Five days later he was gone.
    I called in sick for three days, the longest they would let me call in sick without a doctor’s note.  Then I burned through about a week and a half of vacation; all I had.  After I was out of vacation I know I went to work but I don’t really remember much.  I don’t really remember much of those weeks at all until just before Thanksgiving when Rose finally called my parents to tell them that I would not leave my bed except to go to work and all I would do is cry and drink until I would pass out: she was worried about me and told my mom she was afraid I was going to kill myself.  My mom came over one day, picked me up and took me home to my parent’s house; I don’t even remember getting into her car.  I remember waking up on my parent’s couch with the worst hangover of my life and my mom sitting in the easy chair watching me.
“How are you feeling?” my mom asked.
“Like shit,” I answered.
“You need to see a doctor. You’re depressed.”
“Really? Really, mom? Wow, thanks for the evaluation,” as usual I used sarcasm to deflect the pain.  I held my head and got up to get some water.  “I’m fine, promise. I’m just having a hard time with this.  Death isn’t easy, right?  This is just how I’m coping.”
“My mother had a drinking problem; I never told you that but it’s true. She went to AA meetings when I was young.  Alcoholism runs in our family.  I should have told you sooner.”  Her confession struck a chord with me as I tried to piece together the events since my grandfather’s death.  “I want you to see a doctor. I want you to get on anti-depressants.  Your dad and I both want you to stop drinking. Please.  We’ll do anything we can to help.”

I stood at their kitchen sink, looking out of the window into the front yard.  At that moment it occurred to me that I had to keep my promise to my grandfather, no matter what I may have to overcome to do it.  I realized that he never saw me reach my full potential, he never saw me do anything except screw up: I barely graduated high school, I fought with my parents constantly, I lived paycheck to paycheck in a tiny apartment I shared because I worked at a crappy job where I was underpaid and overworked, and I had dropped out of college failing two semesters in a row.  I began listing off my failures in my mind one after another until, instead of making me feel worse, I started to feel better.  If I could overcome all that and still be standing here at this sink, with my parents who still believed in me enough to offer their help; with my grandfather who still called me his “smartest” grandchild; if I could do all that, then I must be good for something.
“Ok, mom.  I need your help.”
She hugged me and together we planned the next steps. She called Rose who threw out all the alcohol in our house.  My mom made a doctor’s appointment to get started on anti-depressants and she went to all my doctor’s appointments with me, and my dad fixed my car.  All this and all I had to do was ask for help.

    How, then, did I end up in this jail cell?  One party, a few drinks, after nearly a year of school, no drinking and doing my best to stay out of trouble.  I did not hurt anyone and I did not get into an accident.  A simple traffic stop for a “wide right turn” and here I was sitting in a concrete slab dreading the use of the metal commode.  I cry, remembering all that I had done, all I had overcome, and I know my parents will be disappointed.  Why am I here?  The answer seems so obvious that I do not grasp it at first.  I call up a friend and who bails me out of jail. I call my parents, break the news and though they are upset, they forgive me. 
“What did you learn?” my mom asked. 
I forgot for a moment how important it was for me to be responsible.  I grew up a lot that year between August 2003 and August 2004, really grasping what it meant to be an adult and make adult decisions.  I learned to ask for help when I needed it and I learned to trust those I love.  It took me losing someone I cared about to realize my full potential, and every new achievement I make I think back to my grandpa and him pulling me close and encouraging me to take that next step.  Not a day goes by I wish I could step back into that moment, just for a minute, and tell him all the things I’ve done. 

He would be so proud.